Let's just call it what is it.

I am really not sure how I feel about Pop Candy, the "Pop Culture blog" by USA Today's Whitney Matheson. The homepage displays an image of a youngish girl (older than me), with an edgy haircut and a pair of Chuck Taylor's. Matheson means pop culture business people, she's wearing converse!

Pop Candy's mission statement is "unwrapping pop cultures hip and hidden treasures," okay, that sounds like something I would be into and I can even identify with the (mos def) manufactured hipster image of Matheson on the front page. But what I cannot tolerate are her topics. There is nothing "hip" or "hidden" about Bo Bice or the Desperate Housewives, I can read better shit about them in IN STYLE magazine. And you madam, did not uncover the magic that is Joss Whedon--he's kind of been around for a long time, anyone worth their pop culture salt knows that. And while you may score some geek-hipster points for including him on your "top 100 people of the year," you still lose for putting Bono, Oprah and Madonna at the top.

All I am saying is drop the image and the tagline, if you're going to write ass-kissing Entertainment Tonight bullshit. Don't dress it up to try and trick me into reading it. I could be spending my time surfing The Superficial, Defamer, TvGasm and other blogs that keep it real. I guess this has sort of inspired me to work on my own tagline for Pop Couture. How do you feel about, "Pop Culture Commentary written by some chick on the rag?"

I am still working on it.

Short stuff: Break-ups, Surprise weddings and the untimely death of the donut man.

After 12 years of marriage and no children, Mike Myers and his wife Robin Ruzan are getting a divorce. Their publicists agreed to use the classic "they remain good friends" statement, when the seperation was quietly announced before Christmas. Gawker is eagerly anticipating and Myers Meltdown.

Kelly Brook and Billy Zane (Titanic, The Phantom) are getting married. In Greece. No one really cares except The Superficial. Wait--who's Kelly Brook, again? I thought she was Brooke Burns for a minute (not to be confused with Brooke Burke). Let me IMDB...oh, I see, she was that girl who played "Beautiful Woman in Painting" in Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo.

Ah, let me rephrase. Billy Zane and some chick are getting married.

And last but not least, Michael Vale has past away at age 83. Vale, who studied acting at the Dramatic Workshop in New York, was best known for his role as Fred the Baker in the wildly popular 1980's Dunkin' Donuts ad campaign.

"Time to make the donuts, time to make the donuts no more."

Every 15 seconds, somewhere, a Barbie is being tortured.

I am sure glad I didn't buy either of my nieces a Barbie for Christmas, since it's all the rage to go all Abu Ghraib on your dolls these days according to Yahoo! News.

"The girls we spoke to see Barbie torture as a legitimate play activity, and see the torture as a 'cool' activity," said Agnes Nairn, one of the University of Bath researchers. "The types of mutilation are varied and creative, and range from removing the hair to decapitation, burning, breaking and even microwaving."

Researchers from the university's marketing and psychology departments questioned 100 children about their attitudes to a range of products as part of a study on branding. They found Barbie provoked the strongest reaction, with youngsters reporting "rejection, hatred and violence," Nairn said.

"The meaning of 'Barbie' went beyond an expressed antipathy; actual physical violence and torture towards the doll was repeatedly reported, quite gleefully, across age, school and gender," she said.

While boys often expressed nostalgia and affection toward Action Man — the British equivalent of GI Joe — renouncing Barbie appeared to be a rite of passage for many girls, Nairn said."

I wasn't Barbie's biggest fan as a child, but I still used her to act out my Dynasty-inspired storylines. That doll, Daryl Hannah and primetime television taught me that being rich, beautiful and impossibly thin are not the most important things in life. Yeah...yeah...

I guess little evil British girls are not the only ones torturing America's favorite doll. There is actually a National Barbie in a Blender Day, that was created in response to the artist Tom Forsythe's series of photographs called "Food Chain Barbie" and subsequent copyright battle with Mattel. Which he won. I must warn you--some of the pictues are a little disturbing, but I really like Barbie Enchiladas. I think that would look nice in my living room.

Merry Christmas, fellow Capitalists.

Hey, guess what? Forbes Magazine has a sense of humor! This month, posted on their website is a list of the fictional fifteen richest people in the world including Lara Croft (Tombraider), Lex Luthor (Superman) and C. Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons). Rounding out the list is Jolly Ol' St. Nick, who might not be as jolly as we think...

"ROVANIEMI, FINLAND - Stanley Twinkleflake is an exile. Three years ago, the diminutive snow elf and three of his closest companions were banished from the North Pole by an enraged Santa Claus, who accused them of trying to unionize his workshop...

At issue is Claus’ treatment of his large elvish work force, which annually produces some 700 million toys with a market value in excess of $14 billion. Critics claim that the elves work long hours for low pay under hazardous conditions. Particularly at issue is Claus' adamant refusal to give the elves any sort of health insurance and his stubborn insistence on keeping his manufacturing operations at the North Pole, where governmental oversight is nonexistent...

Claus himself denied repeated requests for an interview, but issued the following statement: “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

Read the whole article here.

I just find this amusing.

STALKER APOLOGIZES TO BILL PULLMAN, MEANT TO STALK BILL PAXTON.

Psychiatry=Death. Happy Birthday, Katie Holmes.

You know I like to keep you guys up on the recent antics of one Mr. Thomas Cruise Mapother, but I am starting to get a little nervous here. God only knows what he's doing to Katie "mother of his unborn child" Holmes in this picture, but it doesn't seem pleasant. I do know that he planned her 27th birthday party to be held in F.A.O. Schwartz, which would only seem appropriate if you were turning 10 or Michael Jackson. But you know those wacky Scientologists, they just love "good news," they just "love making people happy."

You know what else they love? Trying to destroy psychiatry. They love it so much that they opened up a museum in L.A. called Psychiatry: A Museum of Death. To add clout to their cause, the Scientologist trotted out the best of their B-List for the opening reception. Jenna Elfman, Leah Remini and Lisa Marie Presley were all on deck to passionately denounce modern medicine. Ok, the day that I start taking health advice from Lisa Marie Presley, is the day that Tom Cruise comes out of the closet. Am I crazy or did Lisa Marie drop out of school after 5th grade? I am sure I heard that somewhere or just made it up. That chick can't even conjugate English verbs.

.

Sunday, Sunday...

High on a diet of Law & Order reruns and High Speed internet surfing, I bring you Celebrities Eating and doing other strange stuff--like Elijah up there. I have no idea what's going on.

The Defamer wishes you a Merry Xmas, from the Jolie-Pitts.

Douche of the Week: Tom Cruise.

This week, Tom Cruise managed to piss off some 9/11 Firefighters, suffering from the effects of smoke inhalation, by encouraging them to stop taking their medication and start drinking cooking oil. Sigh. He would also like them to "indulge in plenty of saunas." Oh, Tom...

Since we are approaching award season, I would like to announce that not only is Tom Cruise the winner of this week's douche award but he is also a nominee for Douche of the Year. Later this weekend, I will post a list of all nominees and their crimes against humanity. It is up to you, yes you, dear readers to vote for the winner of Douche 2005.

Hey Rupert Murdoch! Get your shit together!

It's surprising to me that people even still watch Fox, since this network has the nasty little habit of cancelling all of their decent programs such as Wonderfalls, Firefly, Undeclared, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Wanda at Large, The Ben Stiller Show, Action, Futurama, Arrested Development...and the list continues. While I was reading up on Fox earlier this week, I also discovered that in 1994 they axed a show called, The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr., which starred Bruce "the man" Campbell as an old wild, wild, west bounty hunter. One hyphenated word comes to mind: bad-ass.

I am sure they changed the time slot, like 8 billion times, and then were surprised to see that this show was not performing well. Also, Fox has this other thing they like to do, which is create a show specifically targeted to 14-25 year olds (such as Firefly, Wonderfalls) and then put them in a Friday night time slot when their audience is not home. Thankfully, these shows are on DvD now, so if you like to laugh--I suggest you go buy them and watch them during American Idol season.

Fox's latest victim is their Emmy winning comedy Arrested Development. True, Arrested hasn't seemed to find it's audience (although everyone I know likes the show), I think people just have no clue what when it's on. Why it left Fox's Sunday night, I have no idea. Thankfully, both Showtime and ABC would like to pick up the half hour comedy, but it wouldn't surprise me if at the last moment Fox decided to keep Arrested. A couple years back, Fox was ready to get rid of the high rated, critically acclaimmed drama24, when HBO, Showtime and NBC all offered to pick up the series, suddenly Fox changed their minds like a fickle teenager. "24 is like, our most favoritist show, we would never, ever get rid of it. We are like, BFF, you know."

The Grammy Nominees might make you sick...

So instead of posting them here on the blog, I had Mariah's assistant send me the link after she was done massaging Carey's...ego...

The 48th Annual Grammy Nominees
A lovely piece on Carey brought to you by The Superficial

Double Header Douches of the Week: Lohan & Simpson.

There will be no snarky commentary from me today, I am just here to hand out the awards of douches of the week to Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson for their ability to comment under interview pressure with grace and utter stupidity.

Lindsay Lohan on the media & drug "rumors."
Lohan finds the spotlight alternately embarrassing, frustrating and upsetting: “That’s just gross,” says Lohan. “These things about people going out and doing drugs — people have families and kids who look up to them — a sister and brother — how can you say that? It’s really horrible in a way.”

Ashlee Simpson just needing attention.
"...when I went to ballet school, I was around a lot of girls with eating disorders, and I actually had a minor one myself," she said. "It was about six months of not eating too much at all. I was 11 and 5 feet 2 and about 70 pounds. My parents stepped in and made me eat. That really helped a lot." Now she says her best feature is her rack. "I have amazing boobs. I do, I know it. They're not too big, not too small. They're just perfect."

Jennifer Aniston wants you to stop looking at her boobs.

So on Saturday, I posted a link to some pictures of Jennifer Aniston sunbathing without her shirt on, and this weekend she left like, half a dozen messages on my phone about how that was, "not cool."

As The Smoking Gun reports, Jennifer is warning publications not to publish those photographs or she might sue. Interestingly enough, in an interview with ABC News, the photographer who snapped the naked nudie pics says that Aniston really is to blame, "She's the one who went out there topless...I didn't go looking for it..."

You know, as much as I sympathize with these celebrites and their lack of freedom to live as everyday shirtless people...cough...I have to say I really agree with the photographer here. Besides, I am pretty sure Jen is just doing it to draw some attention to herself anyway. I mean, I Google image searched Jennifer Aniston five minutes ago and her T and A has been all over the place for years. I got an idea, if you want me to stop looking at your boobs, then wear a damn shirt woman.

This would never bother Angelina Jolie. She'd be all, "I am a free spirit, whatever. Deal with it. Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go adopt an Eastern European baby so we can go play Captain Planet with Daddy."

Woo-hoo.

1,000 hits. Is that good? I had to reset my counter a few times so it probably should be around 1400...Woot! 1400!

I got an idea:let's take turns kicking Jennifer Aniston in the uterus!

Earlier this week, Jennifer Aniston and her buddy-love Vince Vaughn, were pulled over in Scottsdale, AZ, on suspicion of drunk driving. I know, Vince Vaughn drinking and driving? Shocking.

And then on Friday, it was announced that Brad Pitt is seeking to adopt ("unconfirmed girlfriend") Angelina Jolie's kids. The babies will have to change their names to Maddox Jolie-Pitt and Zahara Jolie-Pitt. Remember that, because in twenty years, one of them is going to write the best book on celebrities abusing their adopted children since Mommy Dearest.

So, all in all, it hasn't been the best week for Jennifer. In fact, it would kind of suck to be her right now. Why don't I just throw some more fuel on the fire a post a link to an unflattering picture of Aniston topless, because I am an asshole and this is my asshole blog.

Enjoy.

I wish I took this picture. I've always wanted to meet Grimace. I've also wanted to ask him how much he hates Ronald, sigh, dreams. I found this picture on Portroids: Polaroid Portraits. Go there if you are bored or want to know what Andrew McCarthy looks like these days.

The Piven Progression.

I go on vacation and all hell breaks loose in H-Wood. US Weekly finally split Nick and Jessica up, which restored some of the magazine's long lost "credibility". Mariah Carey tells Tommy Motola to suck it, she's going to marry...some dude. Crazy Cruise reared his ugly head again and his ex-wife is reportedly engaged.

But something even more remarkable happened while I was sleeping, Jeremy "The Asshole" Piven secured himself a lead role in a major motion picture. It's true, as The Hollywood Reporter uhm, reports:

"Piven will play a smug Portland, Ore., real estate developer who accepts a challenge from his real estate mogul boss to develop a pristine forest in the hopes of being promoted to partner. He gets more than he bargained for when the area's animal residents start taking their revenge on him and wreak havoc on his every attempt to develop the land."

Is it just me, or can Piven's progression from playing John Cusack's eternally chubby wingman--to breakout asshole agent, be tracked by the success of his most recent hair transplant? The more Piven looks like some kid in a boy band, the better off he is. I recently saw some reruns of the old Ellen show, and whoa, no good. Someone has schooled that boy and schooled him well.